6 Months .....

I can hardly believe that tomorrow is Will's half 1st birthday.... I feel like it's not even possible. I never thought my life could go faster than it already was! Having a baby puts your life on fast forward in a way you never expect. 

6 months ago right now I was just praying that I could go to sleep. I knew I had to sleep. I knew I should sleep. But I knew my little baby was going to be there in, what I thought would be, a few hours. My mom was next to me in the chair and Ray was laying down on the couch. I don't remember what was on tv at this point but I remember being so scared, excited and tense that I knew I'd never sleep. My mom and I stayed up an eventually put on the radio. We listened to old time radio and I did manage to doze in and out of that but it was about a tree growing up and what it saw and experienced as it grew. The tree eventually became the cross that Jesus bore. I remember hearing that part and I just could not believe that of all the nights that old time radio couldn't play a Jack Benny piece or a mystery or anything with the slightest bit of humor to it. About 2 or 3 in the morning my mom left and went home to sleep for a few hours. 

Now Will's sitting up, eating baby food, playing with toys, holding his head and torso up and almost sleeping through the night. I remember thinking in the middle of the night that I had no idea how I was going to do it. How I was going to keep up with the feedings and the lack of sleep and taking care of the house and the new relationship that Ray and I had to forge. I knew how to change a diaper and give a baby a bottle and hold them but I didn't know what I was doing. Now I can't imagine not knowing Will's different cry's and patterns. I've gone from that scared girl wishing for nothing more than some sleep and for her mom and/or dad to rock her back and forth and tell her everything was going to be okay to a confident mother who lacks as much sleep as I did in college but always has more than a term-paper or hangover to show for it. *laughs*

They say that no matter what you bond instantly with your children. I think this is true although I feel like the bonding with Will has gone beyond just that. The absolute best part of every single day for me is when he wakes up in the morning and I go in to get him and the first thing he does is stop playing/moving and look me square in the eyes and gives me his biggest ear to ear grin he can manage. I spend the rest of every day trying to get that little man to smile because his smile touches a part of my soul that I didn't know existed. His eyes look so much like mine and in turn my dad's that I feel like every smile I get from him shows me a little piece of my dad. That's something from me that I'm incredibly glad Will inherited.... When we feel something, sadness, happiness, apprehension, ect it's incredibly visible in our eyes. We're the type of people that "a smile touches our eyes" and that's when you know it's real. I know it might not be so great when he's older but I love that about myself and he'll learn to love it about himself too. :-)

So yeah ... half a year. It's been amazing. I love that little man. Being a parent just changes so much inside you that it's hard and overwhelming to think of putting it all into writing but hopefully I can keep trying. At least tonight I know I'll get more sleep than 6 months ago!! :-)