6 Months .....

I can hardly believe that tomorrow is Will's half 1st birthday.... I feel like it's not even possible. I never thought my life could go faster than it already was! Having a baby puts your life on fast forward in a way you never expect. 

6 months ago right now I was just praying that I could go to sleep. I knew I had to sleep. I knew I should sleep. But I knew my little baby was going to be there in, what I thought would be, a few hours. My mom was next to me in the chair and Ray was laying down on the couch. I don't remember what was on tv at this point but I remember being so scared, excited and tense that I knew I'd never sleep. My mom and I stayed up an eventually put on the radio. We listened to old time radio and I did manage to doze in and out of that but it was about a tree growing up and what it saw and experienced as it grew. The tree eventually became the cross that Jesus bore. I remember hearing that part and I just could not believe that of all the nights that old time radio couldn't play a Jack Benny piece or a mystery or anything with the slightest bit of humor to it. About 2 or 3 in the morning my mom left and went home to sleep for a few hours. 

Now Will's sitting up, eating baby food, playing with toys, holding his head and torso up and almost sleeping through the night. I remember thinking in the middle of the night that I had no idea how I was going to do it. How I was going to keep up with the feedings and the lack of sleep and taking care of the house and the new relationship that Ray and I had to forge. I knew how to change a diaper and give a baby a bottle and hold them but I didn't know what I was doing. Now I can't imagine not knowing Will's different cry's and patterns. I've gone from that scared girl wishing for nothing more than some sleep and for her mom and/or dad to rock her back and forth and tell her everything was going to be okay to a confident mother who lacks as much sleep as I did in college but always has more than a term-paper or hangover to show for it. *laughs*

They say that no matter what you bond instantly with your children. I think this is true although I feel like the bonding with Will has gone beyond just that. The absolute best part of every single day for me is when he wakes up in the morning and I go in to get him and the first thing he does is stop playing/moving and look me square in the eyes and gives me his biggest ear to ear grin he can manage. I spend the rest of every day trying to get that little man to smile because his smile touches a part of my soul that I didn't know existed. His eyes look so much like mine and in turn my dad's that I feel like every smile I get from him shows me a little piece of my dad. That's something from me that I'm incredibly glad Will inherited.... When we feel something, sadness, happiness, apprehension, ect it's incredibly visible in our eyes. We're the type of people that "a smile touches our eyes" and that's when you know it's real. I know it might not be so great when he's older but I love that about myself and he'll learn to love it about himself too. :-)

So yeah ... half a year. It's been amazing. I love that little man. Being a parent just changes so much inside you that it's hard and overwhelming to think of putting it all into writing but hopefully I can keep trying. At least tonight I know I'll get more sleep than 6 months ago!! :-)  

Hat Trick

So today Will struck me with a hat trick. For those of you without kids I can tell you that by far the easiest thing that I have transitioned to is not caring about bodily fluids from my kid. I'm not saying that I would be okay with random kid Y walking up to me in the grocery store and throwing up on me but there's something oddly adorable when my own two week old son sneezes in my face.

I've never been a big fan of bodily ... stuff. The hair in the shower drain creeps me out. I insist on sneezing into my elbow to avoid hand to germ contact. I get weird about using the same bar of soap as my husband. So all of that being said one of my greatest fears about going home with my first child was that I would for some reason continue to be a freak about their bodily ... stuff.

Well, worry no more! I have successfully navigated what has to be, almost, the near full spread of bodily encounters. Let me tell you ... with a sense of humor and a kid that you think is the cutest thing on the planet ... it's not nearly as horrifying as I would have thought. In changing Will's diaper this morning he successfully sh*t while I was cleaning his thigh. While cleaning that "accident", he kindly decided he also had to be pee. But his mommy had gotten wise and already had the 2nd diaper on hand so I was able to control the stream. The mess was contained to his blanket and the changing pad (which is built for this kind of thing). But he wasn't done there. I looked at him while he was peeing and I laughed and I said "Mommy's gotten wise to you buddy but thanks for keeping me on my toes." and he looked back and me and said "Oh yeah ....." and promptly spit up. I didn't know it was possible for an adult to pee and vomit at the same time but less a 16 day old infant!!!!! Where the hell did he learn that!?!?! I was suddenly thrust into the position of either letting go of the diaper and letting pee fly at will around the room so that I can flip my son so he doesn't choke ... or letting him get everything out on his own and wait for him to finish peeing. I waited for him to finish and then gave him a few good pats on the back to make sure he was clear.

Then came the real problem ... How the hell do I clean this kid up while he's laying in his own urine and vomit!?! Your brain, when you become a mom, apparently opens up all these new avenues of thought that you'd never known existed. Including how to clean a squirming infant while only centimeters from their own excrement. I found myself incredibly pleased with skills by the time Will was dressed and warm again and laundry was in the washer.

Moral of the story ...

Your kids are capable of giving you the "yeah really??" look and then doing exactly what you don't want them to do when they are barely out of your womb.

You, as a parent, will let certain old hangups fall by wayside when you are dealing with your offspring.

You, as a person, will develop new neural pathways that open all kinds of doors for you without reading a book, a newspaper article or reading about something online. You gain skillz!!

Change diapers like your life depends on doing the task in seconds. LOL

Sorry this was a rather disgusting post but it was excitement of my day. Well, that and being able to walk to Starbucks with Pam and Will and having him not be a nuisance in the coffee house. Small successes! .

Intro

So on the urging of some people that have known me for a very long time I have started up a new blog/journal. I found myself feeling like I was suddenly lacking any sort of interesting life news of observations or such because my life has suddenly and swiftly begun revolving around my newborn son, Will. When you go through the kinds of changes, both expected and unexpected, that I've gone through in the last year or so it kind of gets to you sometimes. I've always been a writer. From the time I learned how to write all the way through college and beyond to an extent I've used writing as a form of release and relaxation. When I was in kindergarten my mom saved stories that I wrote both as assignments and just for fun. I was writing stories in elementary school, poetry in junior high and high school and finally I started an online journal in college.

When I started graduate school I was in a committed loving relationship. I was living in a great apartment with my fiance. I was living the adult life for the most part. I had rid myself of unnecessary drama and those that brought it. Things were great. I had nothing left to say. I had nothing left to use as a muse besides the wonders of being in love, finding your perfect match and my budding love/hate relationship with the outdoors and my allergies. So I silenced myself thinking no one wanted to hear about my relationship that I was so proud of or my horrendous health battle with allergies or my psycho-social narrative about graduate school education.

While I wasn't thrilled to have done this I was okay with it because I felt it was a good time to let go of an old release.

When I mentioned on facebook that I didn't really feel like I had anything left to say that didn't some how involve my new son I was immediately questioned and rebutted by my friends. I was met with an outpouring of support that I never imagined getting for a continue to my writing. They were accepting and encouraging of hearing my stories about being a 30-year-old wife, mother, home-owner ... adult. They wanted to hear both the trials and triumphs. I was left stunned ... but here I am. New Blog and new muse. William. Raymond William. My son. My first born. And the little man that I rain down kisses on as often as I can when he's not screaming at 2am or peeing on me. Yes, I've already been peed on.

So, here I am. Once again writing. And it feels like the warmth of an old comforting blanket being draped over my shoulders. So thank you to my friends for your support. We'll see how often I post but most of them will probably be about Will. (Who by the way has been hanging out with his dad while I write this and it just makes me beam with happiness that Ray is so awesome with him so early)

And as for Will, maybe one day you'll read mommy's notes from your early days, months, maybe years and maybe you'll have no interest. But I know if my mom could have kept a diary of her feelings and stories from my early times I think I would love to read it. I can only hope that we have a similar type of relationship where you are interested in your early life as much as you are interested in how you mommy came to be the person you know her as in the future.